Worry and Fear

I haven't told anyone this because I don't want to induce panic. But since I know for a fact that no family members read my blog, or even know it exists, I can say what I want here.

2 Day ago, Baby Zach had a messy BM that required really thorough cleaning. His little stump from his umbilical cord has not come off yet, so he has yet to get the full wash job that comes with our ability to full submerge him in water. So aside from the quick once-over with a soapy washcloth, nobody has done a very thorough investigation. Well, I had to finally. And that is when I saw it.

Just posterior to his little anus, there is a dimple--a very, very deep dimple. It also has some blue-black coloring to it, and looks like a second opening. Knowing what I know, I immediately thought of neural tube defects and called our doctor. Upon further probing, I saw that it is not an opening. But it can still represent mild spina bifida. It can also mean nothing. Or it could mean that at that location, there is a defect in the formation of his spine. So in other words, we don't know.

Zach has an appointment with our doctor today. I am so worried that I cannot stand it. I am expecting her to order more testing just to be sure--usually an ultrasound or MRI. All I can think about is what I did in the first trimester. I caught H1N1 from a patient at work--was it the Tamiflu? Was all of the orange juice I gulped down, the multi-vitamins, the green leafy veggies not enough? What about all of the preterm labor drugs?

Of course it is most likely that this is all completely harmless, that it is just how Zach is made, and doesn't represent anything at all. I am clinging to that. After all, in the multitude of ultrasounds I received during my pregnancy, nobody ever suspected a neural tube defect. As far as the other testing, well, I turned it down. The odds are that if you get a positive result, it could be a false positive and incite panic for no reason. Plus there was no way we would make a decision to terminate a pregnancy based on disability, so why even know?

I am having a hard time. I look at my baby boy's sweet face and want to cry. Please, Dear God, let my baby be okay!