From the You-Have-Got-To-Be-Joking Files...

How long have I been battling with breastfeeding and low milk supply? How fricken long? And now that I have been preparing myself to stop for weeks now, have completely resigned, Mother Nature has other plans.
I cannot quit making milk.
It's driving me crazy.
And so I am deciding that I am going to continue to pump. Not a lot. I will no longer wake myself up to do so. I am not going to torture myself for it anymore. But so long as I am making it, I might as well give it to Zach. Until he's a year. Gah!

Another Chapter Ends

Where to start?

I remember when I started to get into the throes of my pregnancy with Zachary, and John and I started to make lists of the things we needed. And we got to feeding supplies, and we started to discuss whether we were going to go with breastfeeding. I wanted to with Evan, but his prematurity got in the way and neither of us ended up interested at all. Did I want to try it again? Not really, because I was kind of afraid to get myself invested in the idea. I had breastfed Ben for a couple of months, and when it didn’t work out, I remember crying the first time I gave him a bottle of formula. And with Evan, I just felt guilty that we didn’t give it more of an effort. But knowing how breastmilk is the best for the baby, and seriously thinking Zach was to be my last chance to do so successfully, I decided to give it a go. One more try.

Wow.

You start off with the idea of breastfeeding as being this remarkably bonding experience. With a mind full of rosy images of a tiny baby nuzzling at a mother’s chest. Of cuddling and warmth and a bond that can only be shared between mother and child. A bond that cannot be broken. And I think after the pregnancy horrors I faced, I really needed that. And then Zach was born.

It was never supposed to go like it has. I was not supposed to be separated from my baby immediately after his birth after only having a small glimpse of him over a surgical drape. And I remember John bringing pictures of him from the NICU for me to see while we were still separated, and it was so bizarre and surreal. I had endured so much for him and this is what I got? Some blurry images on a digital camera that John barely knew how to use? Was this little  person really my son? How could I be sure when I couldn’t hold him and touch him and smell his newborn scent? They said he was mine. And I could see a family resemblance, so it had to be true. He was beautiful, that was for sure. But really? I begged and begged for them to bring him to me. Everyone said he was doing great and had just needed a little longer to adjust to the outside world. So if he was fine, then he belonged with me. If he is mine, he belongs with me.

And just like that, he was with me. I kicked everyone but John out of the room as I stripped away layers of flannel blanket to look him over. So perfect. So so perfect. And then and there, we nursed. And all was right with the world. Suddenly it all was okay- the pregnancy, the time in the NICU. Suddenly, it was just Zach and I. I loved it. And I hated when the lactation consultant came in and told me he had to have formula and asked me what type I wanted them to give him. I hadn’t planned on that. And so my love/hate relationship with the pump began.

I hated that I had to pump at all. I hated that he got formula. I wanted to cry each time he took a tiny sip of it. 20 mL at a time at first. I gave him every bit of breastmilk I could. I wished they would have told me it was okay to stop the formula when my milk came in, but they didn’t until it was too late. And the supply issues started. I did everything I could and got most of it back. And then the latch issues happened, most likely a result of the bottle feeding he had received. Phrases like “nipple confusion” and “flow preference” entered my vocabulary. Still, I did everything. Always trying trying trying to get him off of the tiny amount of formula he was getting a day. And then when he wouldn’t nurse at all anymore and I learned what it meant to exclusively pump. And my reality became the breastpump, 15 minutes at a time, 8-10 times per day. I’ve kept that up since Zach was 4 months old. I hated it, but Zach was getting breastmilk. That was all that mattered. I still felt a deeper connection to him because of the months we spent together, nursing. That is how I spent the weeks of my maternity leave. And when I first returned to work, I would come home and Zach would nurse with me in the bed as I drifted off to sleep. Zach and Mommy. That’s all there was.

It has been such a difficult road. Difficult but rewarding. Worth it. I honestly can look at the differences in personalities between Evan and Zachary and I think the breastfeeding has something, if not everything, to do with it. Zach seems more content. More secure. I cannot help but think that this is because he had more of a connection to me.

So why am I writing this now? Because this afternoon, John helped me to gather up all of the supplies I have needed to exclusively pump. All of that equipment. And I cried as I made sure all of it was organized and packed away. This week and next, Zach will get what is left of my milk from the refrigerator and freezer, and that will be the end. When I initially started out, I said one year was my goal. In a perfect world, free from latch issues and prematurity, from supply issues and tongue-tie, I would have done one full year. I am pretty proud of myself that I made it this far in the face of all of the difficulties. By the time it is over, Zach will be 10 months old. He is to the point where he is getting more and more food from sources other than a bottle, and I feel like it is time to focus on enjoying the rest of his first year free from the stress of measuring every little ounce, from setting alarms to remind me to pump every 2 hours around the clock. I can spend time enjoying my baby boy and getting some well-deserved rest knowing that I gave him the best for 10 whole months.

So here is a picture for you. This is what thousands of dollars’ worth of breastpumps and equipment looks like. All of my work fits into this tote. Amazing. And the picture wouldn’t be complete without including in it the reason for it all.

It's The Little Things

On today, of all days, which happens to be the most difficult day on the calendar for me, I am choosing to distract myself with the little things I am loving right now that make life grand. Here's my list:
1. It's downright spring-y out there! Which means the neighborhood stroller brigade is out in full force. And while I am working at least 4 hours a day for the next 5 days, I will be able to join them. I can also bust out the Ergo carrier and away we go. To the park. For long walks. Window-shopping downtown. Hell, I don't care. We can go. And for the first time in a year, nobody is having a million contractions an hour or recovering from a c-section while the weather is nice.


2. International Delights coffee creamer. Seriously, folks. John likes Skinny Caramel Macchiato while I am partial to Skinny Vanilla Latte flavors. Both are fat free and delicious and eliminate my need to visit Starbucks daily. Speaking of Starbucks, the last time the entire fam went in there, by the time I tipped the barista, we dropped $20 on 3 drinks. Fo' reals. So I am loving this crap. And my fridge is stocked with it.





3. Reebok RunTone shoes. Now don't get me wrong: I am most definitely not a part of this new idiotic shoe craze. I do not believe for one second that a shoe is going to melt the fat on my ass, despite the fact that just about every major athletic shoe manufacturer has come up with their own version. But these were cute. And on sale for less than $100. And I needed new gymnies for work. And I bit. And tried them on. Helll-oooooo, Fat-Feet Heaven! And so they are mine.




4. Motherlove's More Milk Plus. Whoooooot! Because after the pumping debaucle at work last week (or lack thereof) this crap brought the supply back up in about 3 days. Well, that and me pumping like a madwoman again. Actually my pumping output tripled in that amount of time. And it replaced the gazillion other supplements I take because it has them all in it. I was taking 2 Goat's Rue, 3 Fenugreek, and 3 Blessed thistle capsules 3 times daily. Now I take 2 of these babies 3 times daily. For a third of the price. Holla!

5. A while back, I fell in love with Pediped baby shoes. And bought Zach 4 pair in th 0-6 months size. And they fit so well for so long that I was sure he wouldn't need a bigger size until he started walking, and thus ordered the next size up in the "walking" versions instead of soft-soled. But they were huge on him, and I ended up ordering 4 more pair in the 6-12 months size of the soft-soled and put these on a closet shelf. Now that Zachy is getting bigger and starting to explore pulling himself up to standing, I tried these on him and they fit. I have several pair, but these are just 2 of the styles I bought for him. A-freakin'-dorable! And so I felt justified in ordering the next size up, this time in sandals and other spring/summer styles. Shopping for shoes, even if they are baby shoes, makes everything better.


6. I'm working tonight. A little 4-hour "princess shift". This time yesterday, I was off work for today. Then my boss called to tell me a coworker, who has never called in in the time I have been there, called in sick for today. And so I gave up my full day off to help out. Why would this be on this list? Well, because it is difficult to think of your woes and feel sorry for yourself when you are running to codes or trying to keep people alive. Talk about a distraction!


7. My house is full right now, even though Ben is absent. It will never make up for it, but it is good to know. I get to hear the sounds of John playing with our boys. Of Evan's laughter in the house while he is off of school today (no idea why--not a holiday or Holy Day--hmmmmmm). Of Zach's squeals of delight.


8. Zach has learned to give Eskimo kises and it is too cute for words.

9. Still-toothless baby smiles. Don't get me wrong-I want him to cut his teeth. But there is just something so innocent, so pure, so new about a flash of naked gums when a baby smiles. And I am choosing to enjoy it while I can. It won't be much longer. (Incidentally, Evan took this picture of his baby brother just minutes ago while I was typing this. I love that you can get a true glimpse of Zachy's reaction to his big brother in the pic.)





10. This. This right here. Big Brother reading to Baby Brother. Because even in Ben's absence, this house is full. Of love. Of togetherness. Because Ben is the only one who could mke this better for me. Other than that, this is as good as it gets. Life with my two miracles and the love of my life. And because I can look at the boys, with their love of books, and see myself in them. I am there. And if I am there, then Ben is too, even if none of them realize it. And that is a beautiful thing.

Evil Parsley

So I wrote my last post from a very gloom-and-doom place. My supply was down again and I really did think it was all over. I only pumped enough milk to give Zach one bottle that day and I was sad abut it and assumed it was the end. Well, it wasn't, and I learned some things in the process.

1.) When I said I was taking Blessed Thistle before, it actually was Milk Thistle. I was told to take Blessed Thistle by our LLL leader, and so I went to the GNC where I buy my fenugreek and Mother's Milk Tea, and they had Milk Thistle in the same area, so I got confused and was told by the guy working that evening that they were the same. But when I went to this health foods store that has an herbs section, the guy working said nope, that I was duped. I'm actually on Blessed Thistle now and in just 2 doses, it has already made a difference.

2.) The same guy knew immediately what I was doing when I picked up Fenugreek also, and he added some Red Raspberry Leaf tea to the mix. He said it enhances the effects of the Blessed Thistle. We'll see.

3.) Yep, Parsley really is evil. I had gone from pumping 4 oz. at a time (really not a lot to begin with) to a pitiful, tear-inducing 0.5 oz. or less. I thought it was because I had some busy days where I only pumped 6 or 7 times, all in a row. And that still may be a part of it, but I had also started this diet with all of these healthy foods I don't eat normally. Among them? Fresh sage and parsley, both considered galactofuges that reduce milk production. The parsley had been in this pesto I had made and was eating at pretty regular intervals. Once I stopped, I immediately went up to 3 ounces at a time after one day of pumping my standard 8 times a day.

So....
I'm back at it. Herbal supplements and pumping. And since Zach is now 8 months old, my goal of breastfeeding for one year is right around the corner. No, we didn't actually breastfeed beyond the 4th month, but I don't consider it a failure since he has continued to get breastmilk from me. Actually I'm kind of glad because I am a wuss. I should explain that! I have read up on extended breastfeeding and agree with it, but I have always felt weird about the idea of a walkie-talkie kid coming up and lifting my shirt to nurse. Well, since we don't physically breastfeed, I can continue to give Zach breastmilk without ridicule and discomfort. So now my new goal is 18 months. I don't know if I'll make it. This whole exclusive pumping thing is pretty labor intensive, but I'm going to try. My hope is that Zach will get at least some breastmilk beyond his first birthday.

So anyway, theconcludes this episode of the Boob Chronicles. For now.

The End is Near

I have given breastfeeding my all. Through latch issues. Through prematurity. Through low-supply issues. I kept it up because, though it never went as planned, that was the little bit of myself I could give Zach each and every day. When the physical nursing stopped and the exclusive pumping began, it became tedious and miserable, and I kept at it. Zach will be 8 months old next week, and he has been at least partially fed breastmilk all along.

I did some math in my head. I have pumped on average of every 3 hours. Sometimes more, up to every hour when I was trying desperately to boost supply, and sometimes less, like on those really busy nights at work. Every 3 hours is again just an average. And I pump for no less than 15 minutes at a time. 8 times a day. So about 2 hours a day, total. If you figure Zach has been on this earth for about 240 days, I have pumped 480 hours of my life away. 20 days.

I am saying all of this because I have a feeling it is winding up to a close. My supply is at a low point again, and while I am once again going to try to get it back up, I know I am honestly getting a little tired of the monotony. It becomes harder and harder to do. I want to spend my time playing with my baby as more and more of his fun personality emerges. I want to sleep for more than 2 to 3 hours at a time, and could do so with my baby who sleeps like a dream, if only I weren't forcing myself to wake so often to pump. I want to go to do things with my family without worrying about pump battery life or where I am going to go to do it. And I am drained from stressing about every teensy drop of milk I produce for Zach.

I remember the warmth and closeness I felt the first time he nursed. I remember the special first weeks when it was just the two of us. We would lay together, with him nursing, as we both dozed. My beautiful baby boy. And the first time I pumped more than he could take at a feeding! That pride as, even when he stopped nursing, I was still able to give him my milk. I would do it all again.

I have thought about giving up, and I am sure I don't want to do that. I will continue to give him all I can. But if the process is coming to a close naturally, I think I can find peace with that now. I couldn't say that before. I think, with the horrible pregnancy and birth, I just wanted that little piece. That teensy chance to do something that was the way nature intended. With the troubles that I have had, I didn't think we would make it past my maternity leave. I never dreamed we would get 8 months under our belts. And it has paid off. One look at my chunky preemie can tell you that. My preemie who hasn't had so much as a tiny cold since his birth.

I hope it isn't the end. But we will be okay now if it is. I did all I could. I was stronger than I ever thought I could be. It has been quite the journey.

Ugh

Once again, I am awake on my night off while the rest of the world sleeps. I have worked night shift for years without having this problem, but ever since I returned to work from bedrest and recovery. I have been unable to sleep at night. I thik this is because before, I would have my premed classes demanding me to keep a normal schedule as often as possible.
Anywho...
Several days ago, after getting the sinking feeling that my supply was starting to drop, I reverted to keeping a log of my pumping sessions and milk production, and it turned out that I was correct. So after puming like crazy again, with no effect, I went on another course of Reglan. This time, instead of going to the Breastfeeding medicine doc, I just cornered my family doc in the halls at work and picked up the called-in script the next day. Only this time, instead of gradually increasing my dose over the span of a week, I just started the full dose from the word "go". The results have been much different this time. During the first course, I didn't see or feel any results or side effects until about 4 days after reaching the full dose. Not so this time. I have been taking it for 2.5 days and as of yesterday morning, I noticed a big difference. It started with me not really pumping any more than before, but about every 2 to 3 hours, I would feel like I was completely engorged, which I have not felt since Zach was a newborn. I would think the milk fairy had left me the motherload only to pump about 3.5 to 4 ounces. Usually that is the amount I get every 4 hours or so, and when I pump more frequently, I get lower amounts. Well, yesterday, I got that every 2 to 3 hours. (Keep in mind I haven't really been to bed yet, and my yesterday is really 2 days ago!) So today, after a busy night at work and limiting chances to pump, followed by the need to stop at the grocery store on the way home after a damned-near blizzard outside, I was pretty uncomfortable and so when I finally sat down to pump, I got over 6 ounces. I haven't done that since day 1! (I know it isn't exactly record-breaking, but this is a big deal for me!)
So today, I was off, and I have been feeling engorged every 2 hours. Again. And this is just the beginning. The start of day 3 of the Reglan. I probably won't reach peak until I've been on it for a week or so. Holy Milk, Batman!

The Death of Me

It doesn't look evil, does it? But I swear it is. I am so sick and tired of pumping. For the past few days, I have had a pretty erratic pumping schedule,which does not help the whole fragile supply issue. Quite honestly, I wonder if it is possible for a breastpump to suck the life out of you, and I have found it more and more difficult to actually do it. Exclusive pumpig is NOT for the weak of heart. I keep trying to nurse Zach and by now, he looks at me as if to say, "Hey lady, why is your boob in my mouth???". At least with breastfeeding, one gets the fuzzy bonding moment. I bond with equipment. Sucky. But I do it for him, and each day that I have trouble sticking with it, I remind myself why I do it. And I swear I'll do better tomorrow. I will.

Not Jumping Off A Rollercoaster Mid-Ride

I want to give up.
But I won't.
I'm almost halfway through my goal of one year. Halfway through the rollercoaster ride. Yeah, I'm talking about my boobs again. I was almost there. I had my production up. I'm back down to pumping less than 2 punces at a time. Again. A couple of busy days at work, and whoosh! There it goes. If milk production were solely based on effort, I would be able to feed the world. Damnit!

Right now, it is after 2 AM. I'm off work and my family is asleep, but I'm obviously not. Instead, I'm awake, fantasizing about throwing my pump out the window. If only it didn't cost so much, I probably would have by now. But no. I'm a slave to the stupid thing. I am in the midst of "cluster pumping" right now, heading into round 3. What the hell is "cluster pumping", you ask? Well, you pump every hour on the hour for 3 to 4 hours, twice a day. It has been proven to increase production. When I do this, I do it late at night/ in the wee hours of the morning, then I sleep for 4 hours and wake up to my normal pumping routine, only to do it again the following evening. I hate it but it has worked for me numerous times.

I hate this. I don't understand why I have had such a hard time. I'm sleep deprived because I never sleep more than 3 hours at a time. I might as well not sleep at all on the bad days. This time of night is particularly bad when I've had an off day. I sit and tally in my head how much I have pumped and if it is lower than the previous day, I worry and fret that this is it. My supply's drying up for good. So far, I have always bounced back, but each time could be the time. And so I do this to myself. Again.

I should note that today started as a good day. I slept in a little, only to have John wake me at 7AM because he was getting Evan ready for school and Zach had awakened and needed some attention in the form of a diaper change and, eventually, some form of breakfast. And so I changed him and made his bottle of my milk and waited a bit for cues that he was ready to eat, only to have him start nuzzling my chest and rooting. So I offered. And he nursed! The first time he had any interest in weeks. And he did again when it was time for his morning nap. I was so excited! And then the end of the day came.

I won't quit. I'm too stubborn for that. I will not jump off of the rollercoaster mid-ride.

Bottle-Feeding in Public

Several factors contributed to my low-supply. When I tried to get Zach off of formula supplements, I really needed to nurse more. But I was so busy and too self-conscious to nurse in public, regardless of how discreet I could be. Bottle feeding was always more acceptable socially. Fine. So be it. So I was amazed at what happened today. Oh, the irony!

We were at the mall. I had been in a hurry to leave the house and get there before they closed, so instead of making a bottle like I would normally do, I just grabbed a clean bottle and a bag of breastmilk from the fridge and off we went. Well we all got hungry, including Zach, so we sat at a table in the food court. John went to Sbarro to order for us and I stayed behind with the kiddos and poured the breastmilk into the bottle in order to feed Zach. Of course it was obvious that it was my milk. And some people were looking. But some lady 2 tables over kept clucking her tongue and making disgusted looks at us, and even was heard remarking to her husband on how gross it was. Seriously. I guess I just can't win.