I want to give up.
But I won't.
I'm almost halfway through my goal of one year. Halfway through the rollercoaster ride. Yeah, I'm talking about my boobs again. I was almost there. I had my production up. I'm back down to pumping less than 2 punces at a time. Again. A couple of busy days at work, and whoosh! There it goes. If milk production were solely based on effort, I would be able to feed the world. Damnit!
Right now, it is after 2 AM. I'm off work and my family is asleep, but I'm obviously not. Instead, I'm awake, fantasizing about throwing my pump out the window. If only it didn't cost so much, I probably would have by now. But no. I'm a slave to the stupid thing. I am in the midst of "cluster pumping" right now, heading into round 3. What the hell is "cluster pumping", you ask? Well, you pump every hour on the hour for 3 to 4 hours, twice a day. It has been proven to increase production. When I do this, I do it late at night/ in the wee hours of the morning, then I sleep for 4 hours and wake up to my normal pumping routine, only to do it again the following evening. I hate it but it has worked for me numerous times.
I hate this. I don't understand why I have had such a hard time. I'm sleep deprived because I never sleep more than 3 hours at a time. I might as well not sleep at all on the bad days. This time of night is particularly bad when I've had an off day. I sit and tally in my head how much I have pumped and if it is lower than the previous day, I worry and fret that this is it. My supply's drying up for good. So far, I have always bounced back, but each time could be the time. And so I do this to myself. Again.
I should note that today started as a good day. I slept in a little, only to have John wake me at 7AM because he was getting Evan ready for school and Zach had awakened and needed some attention in the form of a diaper change and, eventually, some form of breakfast. And so I changed him and made his bottle of my milk and waited a bit for cues that he was ready to eat, only to have him start nuzzling my chest and rooting. So I offered. And he nursed! The first time he had any interest in weeks. And he did again when it was time for his morning nap. I was so excited! And then the end of the day came.
I won't quit. I'm too stubborn for that. I will not jump off of the rollercoaster mid-ride.