How NOT to Get a Job

Let me set the scene for you: It is 3 AM. I have been busy as all hell because A) people keep trying to die in the hospital and we have had more codes than I thought possible in one shift. And I have the main ICU. And B) I already have 10 ventilators going. 10 patients on life support, and they keep coming because you go to the ICU when you unsuccessfully try to die. Plus I am in charge, and I have one guy who is in a code and I am getting called for all of his patients he can't get to because of that. And C) they are complete bullshit calls. (Example: I got called all the way to the psych unit for a patient "not breathing well at all" and I get there only to discover he has a stuffy nose. That's it. Clear breath sounds, 99% on room air. But he has nasal congestion. Seriously? I have people who aren't breathing without my help and I get called for that???) And so I have come back to the department for a brief second to wolf down a sandwich and a Diet Coke. And the phone rings.

Ringgggg, Ringggggg.

Me:"Respiratory, this is Andrea."

Caller:"Andrea, are you an actual therapist there at that hospital?"

Me:"Yes, I am. How can I help you?"

Caller, to be known from this point on as MORON:"How many therapist do you have there with you?"

Me:"Ummmm, who is this?" I'm kind of creeped out by the question.

Moron:"My name doesn't matter. But I saw you have a full-time night shift position opened. Will you hire a CRT? Because it says the position is for an RRT. "

Me:"Well, we hire therapists with their entry-level credential contingent upon them completeing their advanced practice credential within a year of their hire date....."

Moron:"DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO TAKE THAT TEST?!?! I hate taking tests. Tests are boring. And that one is expensive!" (She's sounded very agitated now.)

Me:"Well, there is quite a difference in pay between a CRT and RRT, so it pays for itself pretty quickly." (I'm thinking that this girl is an idiot if she thinks this is the way to get a job. And obviously lazy if she doesn't have the gumption to take the steps to get a credential that will further her career so much.)

Moron:"Okay, whatevs, how many patients do you have right now?"

Me:"Well, in the hospital we have about....."

Moron:"No, not in the hospital. How many patients do you have? Right. now. How many units of the hospital are you covering? And how many therapists do you have there tonight?"

Me:"Well, we have 4, which is standard at night. I have the MICU, and I am covering all of the patients in that unit. There are 10 ventilators running up there right now and....."

Moron:"OH MY GOD! Do they always work you like that??? I heard they did. I work at XXXXX now and I only have 2 treatments to give before 8 in the morning. That's what I'm used to. I don't like to work a lot. Or very hard. Ewwww. And a ventilator? I hate running vents. I haven't run a vent in 10 years."

Me:"Ummmm, we are usually pretty busy here. And since there are only 4 therapists in house at night, all of us may be asked to handle a vent or an intubation, even if we aren't assigned to an ICU..." (Okay, now I think I may be being punk'd. Where's Ashton?)

Moron:"Whatever, I guess I can try it. Where do I fill out an application?"

I had to give her the website where she can apply online. And I had to tell my boss this morning that if anyone calls who works at that hospital, to please not hire them. Who? Who really tries to get a job like that? Especially in our current day where even healthcare professionals are having difficulties finding jobs. I mean, when I applied for my current position, I called. But when I called, I spoke with the director of my department and simply asked, in a polite tone, if they had any available positions for a registered therapist. He asked me a few questions about my experience, and before I had even completed an application, HR had called me to schedule an interview. I actually completed the application and submitted my resume at my interview. But I was polite. And professional. And was eager to work. And motivated. Really.

So we really do have an open night position. And I swear I will die if this girl comes to work with me. Absolutely die. The last thing we need on night shift, where the staffing is bare bones, is someone who doesn't want to do the job.

God help me. What is wrong with people????