Today

I can't sleep. I really should since I am working more than any human ever should over the next month. It's hitting me even harder this year than it has in years past.

I have this hat of his that I had bought for him to go with an outfit for his 1-year pictures. And I loved the picture of him in it because he was laughing for it and it was just him. You know those shots that just completely capture the personality of the subject? It was like that. It was just a few months before he was taken from me. And for some reason, thinking he was coming home, I packed his posessions up to go to my sister's with him, assuming it would all come back with him. But for some reason, I kept that hat. I still have it. It still looks like new. A little Gymboree fisherman's cap.

Not knowing, John put that hat on Zachy today.

And my breath caught in my throat. My heart skipped a beat. And I was filled with this overwhelming panic. I started shaking. I started hyperventilating. I haven't had that reaction in a while. That dread. I know it sounds awful, but I can't let myself think of him today anymore after I write this post. I can't let myself unravel. I can't allow myself to feel this. It will kill me. I can't I can't I can't...

It's so hard knowing where he is and not going to him.

But I can't.

February 18th.

Happy 13th Birthday, Benjamin. Beautiful, beautiful Ben.